It finally happened… Last night I had my “vulnerable moment” and I cried. Just a little! Yes, I know I am entitled to cry and yes, I know it’s okay to want to cry and to actually cry. I haven’t been holding anything back. I just finally asked Rick the question I had been asking myself all along but was never strong enough to ask anyone else. Am I going to die? With utmost certainty, Rick said, “I don’t think so honey.” How did he know I was talking about the cancer? After all, I could walk out side and get hit by a car! Okay, I don’t think that’s the kind of thing I should actually be thinking about or channeling with my positive energy but, it is true. However, Rick knew what I meant. It’s not that I am afraid to die. I am afraid of leaving my kids. I watch Rick agonize daily over having lost his mom at 18 and it pains me. Today being Yom Kipper, we will go to temple and pray for our parents. I guess last night after services I got caught up in the, “what if my kids have to go pray for me?” Well eventually they will but right now I’m aiming for at least 50+ more years! Being vulnerable is completely acceptable. Crying too. Overall however, I am not much of a crier. I did think after my diagnosis that would probably change. I thought I’d be overwhelmed by emotion but, it’s only really when I think of my kids. That being said, I of course will gain strength from them and not let this defeat me. So today, I go to temple for my dad. Not to focus on me but to pray for him. Don’t get me wrong, I am so not religious and don’t plan to become a super Jew. However, I’m merely stating that today I will not focus on myself and my situation but rather those who did not win their battle in one way or another. I however WILL win this battle and I am guessing since I get a pass from fasting this year, the donut I just ate will help me sooth my pain!
Join 45 other subscribers
Categories
- April 2010 (2)
- December 2009 (3)
- February 2010 (4)
- January 2010 (3)
- March 2010 (1)
- My Background & Other Information (2)
- November 2009 (4)
- October 2009 (11)
- October 2010 (1)
- September 2009 (16)
Recent Comments
- Brady Markson on It was a great day!
- Матвей on I’m Back!
- Brigette Torres on Never a dull moment…
- diana cardenas on I’m Back!
- Charles (Rick) Rix on S is for Surgery… TOMORROW!
Useful Websites
A Poem From An Old Friend
Blog Visitors
- 63,397 hits
Robyn's Blog 
Dear Robyn,
I write today because I too, am a cancer survivor, who has (as of last week) just passed a very important anniversary, my FIFTH year post chemotherapy.
All in the medical field, including Oncologists, and Chemotherapists agree that it is the “time mark” to say that one will never experience cancer again! OR more correctly put, is in total remission with a MUCH less of a chance of it re-occuring. I read your blog and look back on the time that I was told that I had cancer (Hodgkin’s Lymphoma) and the unreal feelings I had in that “alone space” that you go to when you hear the words “YOU have cancer!” I remember the shock, the sadness and the in- disposable feeling I had that my body had let me down,totally betrayed me, and that I might die! I also remember going through the altruistic and selfish feeling of maybe I won’t be here in a year.
Robyn, I cannot guess what you are feeling, nor if some of the same things are going through your mind, too! But I can say for sure that one of the things that will get you through the loneliness, and terrible journey ahead, will be other cancer survivors, those going through cancer now, and the nurses as well as other health care professionals who actually KNOW and understand what you are going through. Therefore it will be important for you to keep council with these people, and NOT with other well wishers who through hearsay and good meaning, but without real knowledge ,will make attempts to sooth your pain with their input. (everyone know! everyones a star!) To do this, I found that cancer survivor groups were essential at the beginning of the journey, as were activities planned with other cancer survivors. Outside people will tell you to NOT go to these groups because they are simply moan and bitch and grip sessions, that’ll get you down, HOWEVER the truth is that these groups make you understand that there are others who are going through what you are, and who have the very same feeling that you have, and who want to be the ones that survive, too! You’ll discuss better ways to care for yourself, how to have fun while being treated, what to say to others, including your kids and husband, and the things to do to help set your mind to positivity while getting better (which is very easy for positive people to do when they feel fine and when everything is going their way, but extremely hard to do in the throws of severe diseases such as cancer. It’ll be important for you to learn to look at cancer as a chronic disease that can be treated, rather then a deadly plague thrust on you for some negative fantasy reason. Speak to your health care professionals with Ricky there and without him present, to spill your real feelings about living life with cancer. While it is incredibly hard to maintain a totally positive attitude while they are filling your body with chemicals, and radiation. I found that during bad times, massage and acupuncture seemed to relax my body and mind, and made me less nauseated and feeling spiritually more healthy. Don’t be afraid to tell people that you need space, and that it isn’t anything personal.
I came through 17 chemo-therapies/ two a week, 1 month of counseling, and several of bed rest thereafter, but I am ALIVE and WELL, and so to shall you be! They have come such a long way these last two years with all cancer treatments, but particularly Breast cancer! There is all new chemotherapy (which I understand you are getting) and all new care techniques used as an adjective treatment. You’ll feel less or no nausea, less tiredness, and less fatigue than even I did 5 years ago. The survival rate has gone up through the roof ! I have a button, that I don’t wear because it’s sounds too negative, but all the same expresses cancer survivors feelings. It says,” Cancer really sucks!”. It sure does!
If I can help you in any way, consider it done! If I can tell you what is going on, I will! Or if I can simply act as a member of the cancer survivors club and just listen to you, I will do that too! Simply call me or write on my e-mail clickonbarry@gmail.com.
Blessings to you. Read a lot of Cancer literature,and go on line it won’t scare you, it’ll reassure you and take away that “unknowing mystery” that’ll drive you crazy ! ……oh, and thank goodness I’ll be too far away for you to throw up on!
Lean a little on the side of kindness,
Barry
Rob,
Please know that I think about you every day. Really, I do! I know that you are strong and have awesome support people all around you. I have loved Rick like a brother for many years. Although we don’t see eachother often, you, Rick and the boys will always hold a special place in my heart. I will continue to think of you every day, sending love and lots of positive energy your way and I’ll be checking in on you in my own way…please, if EVER I can do anything at all, I am a phone call away.
Continue to be strong and keep your amazing attittude! You WILL beat this!
love,
Michelle
We follow your blog every day. We are friends with Larry and Huey markson ans we played with your sons on the beach in Long branch,NJ.Your Blog is amazing and we applaud your strength and love of family and friends. Your positive attitude is strong medicine . We pray for your health. Our love to you, rick, and the boys.
richard and Edye Greene
your writing it excellent – keep documenting it – with all of those hits, you are clearly helping others get through their journeys. I remember asking my husband the same question, and he said, I hope not, I don’t think so. It’s scary – and like you said, not for you, but for the possibility of leaving your children. You will fight and you will win! Loved the previous blog about you listening to your kids downstairs. We are lucky that we have been given the opportunity to pay attention to things that others take for granted!!!! And, the good news about being on chemo – no fasting!!! yeah!!! I promise to keep in touch and be here for you! xoxo
What kinda donut? How was it?
lol….LOVE YOU COUSIN !
Robyn I am thinking of you and want so badly for you to beat this horrible illness. I too was at synagogue today, @ Beth Torah praying for both my mom and sister – may they rest in peace.
Hola Beautiful,
I’m a religious person but I do not practice much however, sometimes some spiritual connections give me so much relief. I hope today you enjoyed service and you could alliviate your emotions. Always thinking about you…
It’s ok to cry. I believe crying is healthy and you are not going to die! It’s not an option for you. You will fight! You have great doctors, family and lots of friends. It’s ok to think about it and cry, you are human and
you have feelings. Again you are going to fight, fight and fight and I will support you or I will slap you:))